Robotman. (the blog)

Welcome Internet!

So evidently while I wasn’t looking, half the Internet visited my blog. The prime reason for this was my old piece, So I Guess I Got Kicked Off Another My Little Pony Forum, which got Dugg a little over 7000 times a couple weeks ago. I guess that means most people liked it, although aside from filling my comments section with unadulterated craziness, none of them stuck around for very long.

That might have had something to do with my front page. For those that did enjoy my work enough to browse around a bit, they were immediately and repeatedly confronted with the image of a beef missile on the top of the front page, firmly emplaced there by my lack of updates. Which is half embarrassing, and half really fitting, because if any one sentence could be used to describe this blog, it’d probably have to be “Infrequently Updated Near-Gay Porn.”

As for the lunatic My Little Pony comments, it would appear the vast majority were either congratulating me for ruining some poor guy’s forum, or angry with me for posting something so blatantly photoshopped. Why the world is so delighted to see someone ruin someone’s else’s website is a bit of a mystery to me, although I suspect it has something to do with that Ashton Kutcher punk.

I’ve also recently learned another lesson in audience expectations, thanks to a surge in popularity for my Japanese Die Hard Posters piece. I originally made those things almost three years ago while hanging out on a forum in a thread entitled “Photoshop Up some Foreign Movie Posters” or similar. Everyone there seemed to think these Die Hard posters were cute and clever, and applauded the gusto and élan with which I poked fun at the Japanese, again.

So when I started the blog, I slapped those online, and they sat there, basically ignored until this weekend. Someone else on the Internet has evidently linked the piece, and also titled it “Authentic Japanese Die Hard Posters! These are very real!” I’m guessing. Which resulted in a small army of people visiting the piece, then shitting all over it for being photoshopped. Again, just for the record, basically nothing on this site is real, except for that trip to IKEA, which was truthfully for more harrowing than I’ve related so far.

One last thing: to the commenter jesus, and his request that I update my blog to remove the bulge so prominently displayed on the front page…

Renting a Video

“Can we rent this one?” My girlfriend handed me a DVD case. I read it aloud, “The Boys and girl from County Clare.” She smiled expectantly.

“This isn’t one of those movies where there’s characters that have issues, but then after much discussion they eventually come to terms with them, is it?” I asked. “I hate it when characters come to terms with things.”

“Just look at it,” she prods.

I eyeball the case suspiciously, then flip it over and read the back. “It says here that this movie is charming and delightful. I can’t tell you how wary I am of a movie that is purportedly both charming and delightful. It’s like they’re trying to do too much.”

“It’s about fiddling!” she says excitedly, ignoring my well reasoned arguments. “And probably dancing!” On a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is how much I like dancing movies, and 10 is how much she likes dancing movies, she ranks a 10.

Continue Reading Renting a Video…

So what the hell happened?

So I’m sure some of the more observant of my readers will have noticed that this blog is no longer hosted on cracked.com. Also it’s now blue. Changes abound!

You might also be wondering just what the hell happened here. Did I get kicked off of Cracked? Is it because I was too funny? Or not funny enough? Is it because I seduced and bedded the bosses teenage daughter? Or because I didn’t seduce and bed her hard enough?

As it turns out it was none of those thing (I think.) Here’s what happened. Cracked is going through a bit of a redesign, and part of that redesign was a phasing out of the current iteration of Cracked blogs. This certainly doesn’t mean an end to my relationship with Cracked. I’ll still be writing feature articles for them, and will likely be involved with other interesting projects there as they turn up as well. It just means an end to the faithful old robotman.cracked.com domain.

In place, I’ve got my own brand new domain set up. Aside from looking a bit more professional, robotmantheblog.com should be a lot easier for you to remember, and shorter for you to doodle on random surfaces around your campus or place of work. Also, I’ve finally ditched the old html I stole off a cat lovers web site, in favor of a slick pre-made template. I think it looks pretty sharp, and hope – nay, command – you to agree.

I’ve spent a couple days getting this new site into shape, but there’s bound to still be some busted links, or missing images, or things that don’t line up quite right, so if you see any, please, please, please let me know about it, so I can fix it. Email any problems to me at chrisbucholz@yahoo.com and I’ll be eternally grateful.

Dramatic Chipmunk

So a few days ago I saw this: (Thanks Johnny for the link.)

Honestly, I haven’t laughed that hard at something on the Internet in a long time. It’s a little humbling knowing that for all the effort I go to writing sharp, insightful, unnecessarily scatological comedy, that at any given second I could be blown out of the water by a 5 second video of a chipmunk turning around suddenly.

C’est la vie.

Anyways, along those lines, and in the interest of padding this post out a bit, I’ll share a few other things that have amused the holy bejeezus out of me lately:

Continue Reading Dramatic Chipmunk…

New Mascot

So today while I was out scouring the Internet looking for people talking about me and my blog, I stumbled upon this after typing “creepy robot” into Google.

It would appear that the Japanese have managed to build an advanced new robot called the CM2. Representing a new peak in the field of robotics, and a new nadir in the field of common sense, the CM2 has all the physical capabilities of a toddler, combined with the warm approachability of an enema bag.

Continue Reading New Mascot…

Car For Sale

VERY RARE! One (1) 1988 TOYOTA CELICA GT-4. THIS IS THE CAR THAT OTHER, LESSER CARS DREAM ABOUT! 2dr, Hatchback, White. Manual transmission, slightly rubbery – downshifts to 2nd are problematic. Engine: turbocharged 4 Cylinder – 190HP theoretically! In current state, we’ll call it an even 130. Leaks oil when in motion, stationary. Tape Deck. Radio works, as does heater, although not at the same time, and neither while traveling uphill. Minor gas leak when accelerating or turning right. Needs new passenger side floor mat, power steering motor. Passenger side power window goes down but not up. Sunroof exists, but if opened, there is a strong possibility it will never close again. Has not been opened in 6 years.

Price: Have invested over $150 in maintenance over last 3 years (mostly oil and power steering fluid. Also 1 windshield wiper), hope to get that back.

SERIOUS BUYERS ONLY. Contact chrisbucholz@yahoo.com with offers.

Today I was Kidnapped and Taken to IKEA

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably got some feature or attribute that you’d prefer other people don’t know about. It’s not necessarily something you’re embarrassed about, it’s just that there’d be lots of tedious explanations you’d have to go through if people found out about it. Maybe you’ve never seen Star Wars before. Maybe you tried to grow a beard once, but no-one noticed. Maybe you shave your asshole. Whatever your thing is, odds are there’s tons of other people out there who are the same way – they just never talk about it. And you don’t want to talk about it either.

My thing is that I’ve never been to IKEA. It’s not because I dislike the furniture they make, although I do. I’ve just never needed to buy furniture before. Seriously. In all the apartments that I’ve lived in everything’s either belonged to my roommates, or been hand-me-down items from various relatives. My parents used to have a shed stuffed to the rafters with spare furniture specifically to be used by me when I moved off to college. A pretty sweet deal for me, although perhaps less so for our cat. When I moved out and took the couch, he lost his favorite padded toilet.

Continue Reading Today I was Kidnapped and Taken to IKEA…

Holy Crap! I Should Update My Blog!

Apologies for the long delay since my last post. Firstly, I blame the holiday season, what with the time spent shopping and time spent with loved ones and also the pagan rituals. Strange and busy times. Also, I penciled in quite a bit of time over the last few weeks for “not writing comedy,” which naturally ate in to my writing comedy time quite a bit. That should be all over now. Hopefully.

So to ease myself back into the blogging grind, I’ll start by updating you on a previous post from December. You’ll recall a few weeks back how I discussed an episode where I had to dig my car out of the snow. At the time I off-handedly mentioned that due to our mild climate, everyone else in Vancouver has a real hell of a time dealing with snow as well. Well we got another dusting of snow Thursday night. It was only an inch or so, so the odds of me breaking off parts of my car to get inside it were slim. Indeed I managed to do several things that day without looking like an ass. But how did the rest of Vancouver fare?

Well, the roof of our stadium collapsed. No shit.

Ok, to be fair, it didn’t collapse so much as develop a tear and deflate. Which doesn’t sound as bad, until you say the phrase “inflatable stadium,” and collapse in a heap of giggles.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about that. Going skiing this week, but regular updates should show up again after that.

Digging out the car

One of the nice things about living in Vancouver is the mild winters. While the rest of Canada is fending off snow and polar bear attacks, us Vancouver dwellers merely have to tolerate the increased rain. This isn’t too hard: we’ve got umbrellas.

The flip side to this is that people in Vancouver simply can not deal with winter when it does arrive. For example: an umbrella is worse than useless in case of a polar bear attack. More mundanely, we can’t drive in the snow, walk in the snow, shovel the snow, or do pretty much anything of value in the snow.

Continue Reading Digging out the car…

I would like to marry a sandwich

Mmmmmmm, that’s a good sandwich. Excuse me for a second as I do some thinking aloud.

Let’s just say that, hypothetically, some sort of landmark Biblical loophole was discovered, and a marriage between man and sandwich was permissible (here I’m assuming that the sandwiches family is Catholic.) Well then I wonder what that marriage would look like?

Continue Reading I would like to marry a sandwich…